Fake News Written by Students

This page is devoted to fake news stories submitted by students after participating in the Fake News Creative Writing workshop with me online.

Hands Down, the Most Unfortunate Use

of the Pandemic “Spirit”

Catherine Hart, age 41, took it literally when instructions in her cookbook suggested that she “cook with spirits”. 

On March 23rd, 2020, Catherine Hart and her entire family were hospitalized after she used hand sanitizer in place of alcohol to cook her dinner. 

“I thought that in the spirit of the pandemic, I would use hand sanitizer. I mean, it is an alcohol isn’t it?” Catherine explained to her doctor.

With the rise of the Covid-19 virus, followed by a lockdown, many across the country were restrained to activities they could do at home. For Catherine Hart in Lakeville, Florida, this was her chance to improve her cooking skills. 

Monday evening, she came across the “Cooking with Spirits” section of this year’s best selling cookbook: Add a Little Magic to your Dinner. When Catherine prepped to make the 3-bean chili for her family that day, she set aside 8 ounces of hand sanitizer instead of the suggested “8 ounces of dark beer”. 

Another pandemic-related tragedy in Florida

“It tasted really good! Until I had this tummy ache,” her four year old son later stated at the hospital.

After ingesting a good portion of the home cooked meal, the family suffered third degree burns to their esophagus and stomachs. 

“I thought Cassie had put a little too much pepper or something,” Catherine’s husband commented with a laugh.

The entire family believes Catherine’s actions were entirely logical, and plans to sue the cook book company after their recovery. 

Fake News Reporter, Yujin Kim, grade 10, Busan, South Korea

Turns out, Exercising was the Problem

and Hotdogs… the Solution

Did you know that exercising is extremely unhealthy for you? 

Doctors and scientists have researched and found out that exercising causes extreme emotional instability. This instability is due to the body’s stress reaction to working out. Exercise not only deteriorates your mental health, but it can also cause you to lose control of your body, feel dangerously dehydrated, hallucinate, or even blackout. This phenomenon can be often observed in large public gyms where people start to “walk like zombies” after their workouts, in search of water. 

This alarming effect of exercise has been spotted in many local gyms including the one in Lufkin, Texas. Local reporter, Mackenzie Ridlehoover, who has experienced this phenomenon first-hand, has stated, “After about an hour of careful observance, about 90% of the gym members seem to have turned into ‘zombie-like creatures’ that are slow, sloppy, thirsty, and even stinky. The cheerful attitude from when they first entered the gym is now long gone and has been replaced with a cranky mood of wanting to go home!”

“Exercise Zombies” spotted in gym in Lufkin, Texas. Don’t let this happen to you.

However, do not be afraid of turning into this alternate version of humans. Scientists have also found the cure to exercise and insist that you not only must avoid all gyms and memberships, block workout channels on YouTube, and remove all exercise-related items at home, but most importantly, just keep eating. Since eating works against exercise, scientists have proven that this is the healthiest way to boost your mental health, weight, BMI, and of course, immunity to any form of exercise-related side-effects. 

Fake News Reporter, Ashley Y., grade 10, Seoul, South Korea

Crazy Cat Lady Harassed by Kittens

On Monday, December 24th, a ninety-two year old grandma was harassed by a group of kittens causing her a major back injury. 

Elizabeth Bartley, the 92 year old grandma, was hoping to buy some presents for this upcoming Christmas when she saw a box full of abandoned kittens. She was so intrigued by the cats that she “had the power to get out of the wheelchair,” and took the box, when the kitten leaped onto her. The grandma was pushed onto her back while the cats trampled the lady during the process and broke her back, requiring a trip to the hospital. 

“Their eyes were so sweet, I just needed a closer look. But suddenly their claws came out of their paws like the things that the ninja use, what do you call it, the ninja thingamabob. They looked at me as if I had just broken into their home!” the grandma said. “I swear I didn’t break into their home!” 

“Crazy Cat Lady” before the attack occurred.

The grandma is currently in so much shock that she had forgotten that she had indeed investigated the box which also served as the cat’s home. 

A few days after this incident, the lady that had so much more to live for, had passed away due to the shock of seeing such violent cats. Her neighbors recalled her as the “crazy cat lady” and also added that if these cats shocked a person like her they should be held captive.

The police investigated the cats’ actions to see if there was any more information that has been left untouched, but ultimately have decided that the cats should be sent to jail for life, due to their uncooperative responses of “meows.”

Fake News Reporter, Catherine Kang, grade 8, Seoul, South Korea

Gigantic Vulture Kidnaps Young Couple’s Child

On the evening of Thursday, July 23rd, the Dent couple were walking in a local park. Harvey Dent, the husband, witnessed a bird flying over them from a distance  but then it suddenly just dived towards  their family. As the vulture crashed into them, his wife, Martha Dent, fell down with her baby in her arms. The vulture’s sharp talons got hooked on the baby’s clothing and when it rose to escape, the baby was elevated up into the sky as well. Soon the vulture was flying away with the baby in  its grip. Martha cried for help but to no use. The vulture flew beyond  the north side of the city and into the national forest. 

According to reports, citizens in the apartments nearby saw a big bird and heard the cry of a baby coming from the sky. In shock, people tried to stop the bird by trying to throw objects such as rocks or soup cans or shoot it down but could not because of fear that the baby might be hit by the object or it could be in serious injured if he was dropped from that height. 

Without any recordings or photos of the tragic event, our Fake News illustrators have worked hard to recreate the scene as realistically as possible.

We are currently on an urgent search for the child. There’s a slight possibility that the child might be still alive since vultures don’t attack living creatures. But we cannot keep an infant in the wild without food or water for too long or else he will eventually die. The parents are desperately awaiting their child’s safe return. 

Son of Jeff Bezos Rejoices as He is Abducted

by Alien Spaceship

Last night, Leroy, the 7-year-old son of Jeff Bezos, was abducted by an alien spaceship in front of their mansion.

“We heard a weird, buzzing, noise outside our home at 3 A.M!” said his mother.

“Our curtains were obviously closed, so we couldn’t see anything,” added Mr. Bezos, Leroy’s father. “But when we went outside, we saw a large, gray spaceship with neon lights. From the bottom of the UFO, there was a beaming light that sucked up Leroy into the ship. We called out to him but his only response was a smile. He was … happy! But we couldn’t let him leave, so we called the fire department.”

Leroy Bezos living his best life.

Then, Leroy’s mother shed tears. Apparently, it was too late by the time the truck came, as the spaceship had left and was out of  sight. After calming down a bit, she explained: “Leroy believes in aliens, and has been so intrigued by them since he was a little boy. I don’t know why he was happy, maybe it was his dream to become abducted by aliens!”

Fortunately, this morning, Leroy’s parents, who couldn’t sleep all night, reached out to us to say that their child is back home, but without the 1,000 dollar bill that he always carried in his pocket, and all his gold jewelry.

However, Leroy has not been hurt and his parents are happy about that.

In response to our questions, this is what Leroy told us: “The aliens had big eyes, a humongous head, and they were bald. Just like in the movies! They took away my cash and all my gold jewelry. As a trade, I asked them (in sign language) if they could take me to their home planet. They responded with an okay sign, and took me to a neon pink planet. Surprisingly, there was an entire civilization there. Life looked not much different from Earth, except that everything was made of gold. They showed me around for a few hours, and then took me safely back home!”

According to the boy, the creatures promised they wouldn’t come back to Earth ever again. It turns out that all they wanted was 1,000 dollars and some gold from Jeff Bezos’ son.

Fake News Reporter, Erica Kang, grade 9, Seoul, South Korea

Hotel Reservations for a Big Stranger

A report came this morning that a killer whale was spotted crawling across the beach and heading towards a hotel. 

This happened at 10 am in Monterey Bay in California. When a hotel resident reported that he saw a killer whale on the shore, she notified the authorities and after an hour the Marine Rescue team  arrived. By then, the killer whale had already crawled about 10 meters away from the sea. The rescue took two hours, and finally the killer whale was back in the ocean. 

However, after a few minutes, the killer whale was back on the beach crawling towards the hotel again.

A group of veterinarians and a group of cetologists arrived at the beach. After a thorough  study and observations had been made, one cetologist announced the reason why the killer whale kept on crawling to the beach. 

The announcement made by the cytologist: “It was because of the the billboard. There was a video advertisement installed on the beach of Monterey Bay next to the hotel. The movie that was advertised was The Little Mermaid.” According to the cetologist, “The killer whale may have watched the little mermaid movie advertisement, which included the part where the little mermaid’s tail turned into human’s legs when she came up to the beach. The killer whale might have thought that if she goes up to the beach, she will also have legs like the little mermaid.” 

Cetologists explaining to the killer whale that Disney films are not real

After the announcement had been made, the group returned the killer whale back to the sea again, but this time also turned off the video advertisement. The killer whale turned towards the sea and so far has not crawled  back to the shore. 

Fake News Reporter, Vivianna Park, grade 10,  Guangzhou, China


Chaos erupted in Detroit yesterday when a titanic figure, approximately 20 meters tall, appeared in the middle of Highland Park. 

This figure, who claimed to be the ghost of Henry Ford, proceeded to destroy all forms of transport unrelated to personal motor vehicles. Currently, Mr. Ford’s ghost remains at large, despite efforts from local police and the Michigan National Guard to contain him. He is currently running towards Livonia at a speed of 10 miles an hour, and all residents of the Detroit Metropolitan Area have been advised to evacuate. 

As of writing this, the Detroit Department of Transportation has already written off as losses, twenty destroyed buses, the People Mover, and the entirety of the Q-Line. Insurance companies are not expected to compensate for any of the damages, as most of Detroit’s infrastructure is covered by Michigan Provincial Insurance (MPI 103.81 +0.2%), which stipulates that “damages brought by resurrected individuals are seen as Acts of God and are thereby ineligible for coverage”. Detroit’s mayor has announced plans to sue the company for coverage. 

Detroit in ruins after angry rampage of Henry Ford’s ghost

No Detroit residents were available to be interviewed. However, fears that a similar event could occur with the ghost of Thomas Edison and LED lights have overtaken social media. #LoseTheLED has begun trending on Twitter, with over 500,000 mentions in the last hour alone. 

Fake News Reporter, Tae Yoon Kim, grade 12, Seoul, South Korea

Government tells Citizens to Stay Inside to Avoid the Heat … and the “Gigantas”

The weather is boiling this summer on Earth. 

Most of the cities reached their highest recorded temperatures and the doctors are warning citizens not to stay outdoors for too long.

SNC received a report that people who were exposed directly from the sun for more than one hour showed extraordinary symptoms. Those people become extremely muscular and supernatural, like superheroes in the movies. Also, their bodies grew enormously, to about the height of a five floor apartment. They looked aggressive and may be a threat to people.

However, they were actually very shy. If a person approaches them, they will cover up their faces and stare at the person “like the Puss n Boots cat from Shreck“.

Scientists have decided to call these creatures ‘gigantas’. 

Stay out of the heat or this could be you!

Most citizens have not been out at all for the past few days, worrying if they too would turn into ‘gigantas’.

Government tried to lure the gigantas to an empty mountain by using large mounds of food such as french fries. They actually did follow the food, but the problem was that they were too starved. About a hundred giants sprinted for food that was hung from a helicopter by a chain. 

SNC interviewed the helicopter pilot, Ms. J. She said, “I almost fainted. I never wanted to get eaten by a giant and end my precious life.”

Ms. J stated that the weather abruptly changed and it started to snow. Then the gigantas stopped their actions and stood still. After a moment, they started flying up to the sky and suddenly disappeared. By the time  Ms. J flew  to the mountain, people who had turned to gigantas were now lying on the snow, and returned to their normal size. Luckily, they had no lasting health problems.

Scientists are researching this bizarre situation, stating the current hypothesis is that extreme heat was the cause. The Ministry of Health and Wealth advises citizens to stay inside until a clear understanding for this ‘gigantas’ symptom gets revealed.

Fake News Reporter, Suan Park, grade 8, Seoul, South Korea

Old Lady Mistakes Clouds as Smoke

A local fire station received a report of a fire near Walmart around 9 pm. A witness claimed that there was smoke coming out from the rooftop. 

The firefighters headed over to Walmart with five fire trucks only to find something else. It turns out that the local resident has mistaken a huge grey rain cloud for smoke. The local resident was identified as 90 year old Mrs. Johnson who not only has bad eyesight, but hearing issues as well. “I thought the people were screaming for someone to call the fire station, and I saw the smoke,” she said.  

However, this isn’t the first time Mrs Johnson made this mistake. Last year, she mistook a bench for a crocodile, calling animal control.

The firefighters bought Mrs. Johnson a new pair of glasses and hearing aid right afterwards.

The rain cloud that confused Mrs. Johnson

Fake News Reporter, Raina, grade 9, Busan, South Korea

Santa Missing on Christmas Eve!

Santa is reported missing on Christmas eve. 

Last night, at about 10:00 pm, the reindeer Wooka Winka reported Santa missing. When Wooka went to Santa’s office at 9:00 pm to start the present delivery, Santa was nowhere to be found! 

“He just vanished into the air! Oh, poor Santa. Where are you!” The reindeer Wooka said with tears flowing in desperation.  

The police say Santa could have been kidnapped or murdered by the anti-Santa group, and they are investigating a possible crime.  

The psychologists say he might have run away due to the stress from excessive workload.  

The architects say he might have been his weight issues. “You know, Santa has a big tummy. According to architectural design, his tummy could have been stuck in the chimney.” 

This catastrophic incident is being looked into by both the police and the reindeers, and the children all over the world gathered at churches  and are praying for Santa’s return. 

Upon hearing the new of Santa’s disappearance, children did not react well

Fake News Reporter, Amy, grade 8, Seoul, South Korea

Doggy Ice Cream Theft

There was the sound of loud crying in Walkerville, Sunday morning at nine a.m. The police received an emergency call fifteen minutes later from a fellow citizen. They rushed to the location immediately.

When the police arrived at the location they found a little girl with pigtails, on the ground and still crying. When the little girl was asked why she was crying, it became clear that her ice-cream was stolen from a man.

The police recruited more officers right away in order to catch the thief.  They did not know the age of the man so they interrogated every male in the town, from teens up to grandpas. The police searched sewers and dark roads, but they could not find the criminal. So they expanded their search into the homes of the townspeople. No one appeared suspicious but there was a man in possession of ten dogs.

After a day of searching, they still could not find the man, so they stopped. However, on Monday morning, there was another report of a little boy crying about a stolen ice-cream. This time the whole town started to search for the man, but there was one citizen missing. It was the man with the ten dogs. The police started to suspect him and went to his house, only to discover that he was doing something very abnormal. He was talking with his ten different dogs. 

The police asked the man what he was doing. He said that he was having a conversation. The police asked what they were talking about and the man replied with laughter that they wanted ice cream. The man explained how he stole the children’s ice cream for his dogs.

Monday afternoon, the man was arrested for theft, and spent twenty years in prison.

Police authorities in Walkerville have begun placing these posters around town, warning citizens that ice cream theft is a grave matter and will be prosecuted to the fullest.

Fake News Reporter, Claire Kang, grade 9, Seoul, South Korea

Dog Blows Up in Park

Yesterday afternoon a dozen random citizens experienced an explosive walk in the park. Literally.

At about 2:30 pm, Alfredo Flentic and his spouse Ceaserata Rocklin took their beloved dog Nugget for a walk in Glacster park. Nugget had been strolling up to a large  tree when his leg burst into flame!

“As quick as a strike of lighting, our sweet Nugget was covered in a flames!” said the two owners.

Nugget was jumping all over but the harsh flame never went out. Then suddenly all the locals in the park heard a surprising popping sound. We all saw the dog running around but then we heard that sound and suddenly, BLECHEW!

Mr. Hanky Liver, seen here after witnessing the explosion.

“The dog blew up and its bones and flesh flew into our faces!” said Hanky Liver, a father of two kids that were at the park that day.

This odd incident is now being investigated by the local police and they have already found traces of TNT in the bones. The police are scheduled to give another report in the press conference next Tuesday.

Fake news reporter, Nick S., Grade 7, Tyee Elementary School, Vancouver

Child Gets Stuck in a Candy Machine

Jonny Cook, just prior to his rescue.

On Tuesday morning, at the intersection of Commercial and Dundas, Jonny Cook, age five, was trapped inside a candy machine. Witnesses said that the boy was grabbing the candy bar when it got stuck, and he fell inside. First Responders acted quickly, right after Jonny’s mother called them. Jonny was trapped in there for about forty-five minutes eating all the candy bars he could until he got out. 

Fake news reporter, Jordon L., grade 5, Tyee Elementary, Vancouver

Teachers Become Zombies at a Local Elementary School

At Brightside Elementary, on the corner of Third and Oak, teachers were given an unmarked box of donuts. Witnesses say that the baked goods were delivered directly to the staff room to no one in particular. Since no one’s name was on the box, the teachers divided up the donuts and stuffed their bellies.

Students say that it was only around one o’clock (directly after the teachers’ lunch break) that they noticed their teachers acting “off” and “different than usual”. And by two o’clock, they knew why.

Every teacher at Brightside Elementary had collapsed, and stopped breathing. But, by the time ambulances and other first responders arrived, the teachers were back up on their feet as if nothing had happened. 

The medical officers left the scene and had returned to the hospital by two forty five. “The teachers then called all students to the auditorium for a so-called last minute assembly,” sixth grader, Luke Davis explains. “We were then surrounded from all sides by drooling teachers. They grabbed students and tried to break open their skulls like they were eggs, and eat the brains inside”. 

Brightside Elementary assembly moments before student became snack

Older students fought back the teachers and called 911. Yet the police had heard about the incident earlier that afternoon, and anonymous officers admitted that they came with no sense of urgency or rush. However, police sergeant Amata Smith says, “when we finally got to the scene, we were pulled back to reality”. 

The police officers called several more forces for back up, such as: SWAT teams, and several government agencies whose names remain confidential. 

All teachers were restrained and are now being held in government facilities where scientists are testing for a cure, while searching for the cause of this outbreak. The donut deliverer still remains unfound, and police are searching the area. 

The VPD’s commissioner Simon Potts, advises all citizens to check their mail, cut down on donuts, and keep children home. Although all teachers were caught, seven children were murdered, and over sixty injured during the ambush. Remain cautious and report anything out of the ordinary.  

Fake news reporter, Emelina C.,  grade 7, Tyee Elementary, Vancouver

Dog Eats Chocolate Causing Worldwide Emergency

The Sanders family had their house torn apart when their dog ate a single piece of Kit Kat. The chocolate caused the dog’s head to grow and grow without stopping. The family realized they were in danger once the dog’s head busted through the walls, making a horrible sound. It continued growing until it was above the clouds.

In the year that’s followed, there is now no one on the wrecked Earth other than the dog with the massive head. Some families and adults, including the Sanders, had managed to escape by creeping out of the house and running to a rocket ship that was getting ready to go to the moon.

“The moon is the new Earth,” said the father of the Sanders clan. 

The single adults got married so they could spawn children, in order to have more people to live on the moon, or what is now referred to as New Earth. But in the meantime, the dog’s head has continued to grow so big that it has now lifted the body up to the moon, finally reuniting with his family.

Bad dog!

Just recently, the Kit Kat chocolate piece inside the dog shrank and the dog’s shrank too. The Sander’s family were optimistic that they might now return to Earth except that their dog then ate a whole Oh Henry chocolate bar.

At last report, they were considering going to Mars.

Fake news reporter, Maeve S., grade 5, Tyee Elementary, Vancouver

Man, 26, Killed by Army of Pigs

On Tuesday, April 26th, of this year, at approximately 8:46 pm, a five-year-old girl stumbled up a dead man in Trimble Park. 

“I almost peed my pants when I saw the man,” the girl said, shivering.

The police first thought that the girl was lying, and assumed that she might have been the one that killed the man. But upon looking at CCTV video, they discovered that the deceased man was eating a sandwich when a large group of hungry pigs descended upon him. He attempted to run away but was squished by the pigs, which caused his death. 

Inquiries have found that the pigs had earlier escaped from the Vancouver Zoo. The police are hoping that they can catch the pigs soon and cook them for their lunch. 

Trampling Murder-Pigs prowling the empty streets while citizens barricade themselves behind locked doors

“Don’t worry, we will find the pigs,” stated Officer Smith. “If anyone should locate this army of pigs, please contact the police immediately.”

The police have ordered a lockdown until they locate the pigs to prevent more deaths. The public is asked to stay inside, but if you should venture out, do not bring food with you.

Fake news reporter, Veronica A., CWC West Point Grey, Vancouver

High School Student Murdered by Eagle

A fifteen-year-old high school student was murdered on a very sunny, Sunday afternoon, January 1st of this year. The teen (whose name remains confidential until family has been notified) was minding his own business in a park when he happened to spot a nearby eagle. The boy reached into his backpack and took out some snacks and carefully tossed the food to it. But the eagle responded to this very kind act by sticking out its talons and flying towards the man.

“I swear I could see how sharp those talons were,” said a witness later. 

Startled, the teen tried to run away. However, he was no match in speed. The eagle grabbed the boy by the neck and took off into the clouds, still holding onto him. Then, the eagle dropped him onto the ground for reasons still not understood. Sadly, this lead to his immediate death.


This eagle is now in custody and being charged for second-degree murder. If convicted, it will be sentenced to death. Police are putting up posters and signs stating that the law forbids people giving food to eagles. 

Fake news reporter, Eric B., CWC West Point Grey, Vancouver

Boy Saved by Mermaid

A sixteen-year-old boy was competing in the Ocean Water Challenge yesterday. He was swimming fine until at approximately 3 pm, near Kitsilano Beach, he felt some dizziness and fainted. Sinking into the water, he was not seen at first by any rescuers who were both far away and busy at the time. One swimming competitor eventually witnessed the boy drowning. Boats tried to reach him as fast as they could. Some swimmers dived down to search but found nothing.

It wasn’t until the competition was over that the boy was discovered. His families and friends, who had waited in vain, were finally told by the police that was too late, although they would keep searching for the body. Then later, the boy’s sister came to the beach for one last effort, and that was when she saw her brother lying on the beach. Running closer, she saw a mermaid with brown hair, and a gold tail swimming away.

The boy was sent to the nearest hospital. Remarkably, he is expected to make a complete recovery after some needed rest. Now, the police are searching for the mermaid. So please, if you spot the creature close to the beach, don’t scream and call the police so they might interrogate her.

Fake news reporter, Adelle C., CWC West Point Grey, Vancouver

Boy Murdered by Cold Beverage Supplied by Mother

Last night, at 4:47 PM, a young child was tragically murdered by a glass of banana milk in his bedroom.

During his online class, his mother illegally intruded into his room and placed a glass of banana milk on the unsuspecting child’s desk. When he turned away, the glass instantly sprang up and began to insult him. A shocking video, recorded on the boy’s phone, shows him trying to fight back as the glass of banana milk attacks him over and over again.

The video goes on to show the boy swinging a baseball bat at the glass and the contents spilling everywhere. But the creature was relentless, refusing to back down. Eventually, the poor boy was left bruised and bleeding until he succumbed to his injuries. Based on subsequent questioning, it seemed nobody in his online class cared.

“I made the banana milk with the best ingredients,” his mother insisted during an interview conducted by police. “Bananas and milk. I blended them together with a blender and put it in a plastic cup. I don’t understand how such a terrible thing could have happened.”

The glass of milk has been arrested. It will soon be tried in court. Meanwhile, a short service in honour of the dead boy will be held tomorrow at an unnamed park.

Fake news reporter, Rayna N., CWC West Point Grey, Vancouver

“Cousins” of Homo Sapiens Have Been Discovered.

A new species of human, named homo tultuss, was discovered by Tomis and the I Discover Stuff team in the hot deserts of Greenland.

This specie type is described as being 2 ft, 4 inches (71 cm.) in height and covered head to toe in hair, which explains why they also carry fleas. Homo tultuss are understood to be able to use tools, including the making of fire. However they have yet to learn how to control fire.

Scientists continue to stress that there is nothing at all to worry about.

These creatures live in groups of ten and don’t seem to have any language other than grunts and snorts. They dwell in something akin a hole but with leaves and branches stuffed inside.

Their civilization is small and contained, and they do not appear to be hostile. Scientists continue to study these “cousins” of ours, and authorities wish to stress to the general public that everything is under control, there is absolutely nothing to worry about, and that they will be posting daily content of these creatures (but not really).

Fake news reporter, Ethan W., CWC West Point Grey, Vancouver

Cereal Killer and Accomplice Captured!

Breaking news: there was a huge fight at 10:21 a.m. today, at 209 Market Avenue. Two of the suspects were injured and a 5-year-old girl, Trinity Dowling who was beloved within the community, met a tragic death.

The incident started with a bottle of milk and a box of cereal arguing as to who should go into the bowl first. They began fighting aggressively and ended up breaking a vase. Because of that sound, Ms. Dowling came into the kitchen and attempted to calm them down. When that didn’t work, she pushed the two combatants into each corner of the table and placed her head between them so that they wouldn’t be able to argue anymore. But when she tried to soothe them by singing a song, they each ran across the table and banged both sides of her head which led to massive amounts of bleeding.

Breakfast Mayhem on Market Avenue

After she was discovered by her parents, Ms. Dowling was immediately rushed to the hospital but ended up dead due to a serious concussion. Milk and cereal have been taken to prison and buying those two products at the same time is now banned.

Government officials are seriously debating about whether a law can be created that determines if the cereal or the milk should go into the bowl first.

Fake news reporter, Eugene P., CWC West Point Grey, Vancouver

A Vampire Discovered on West Coast Avenue

Yesterday, around 1:30 am, a local citizen, Dan Bar-el, reported that he spotted a vampire on West Coast Avenue. 

Mr. Bar-el claimed he heard “some weird sounds” coming from the backyard of his house and went to check. There was a man covered in blood, holding a dead rabbit in his hands. He is described to be between 30-40 years of age, approximately 6 ft. tall, dark hair and red eyes, has really pale skin and sharp fangs. Scientists conclude that it is a vampire.

What Mr. Bar-el was greeted by in the early hours.

The vampire eventually did run away and has still not been captured. According to r neighbours, they have noticed an increasing number of pets that have gone missing. The local government has doubled the number of security personnel in the area and are trying their best to catch the vampire. However, there is concern that this situation will have a negative impact on society.

If you happen to see a man by that description, please contact 911 immediately.

Fake news reporter, Sulim K., CWC West Point Grey, Vancouver

EXCLUSIVE STORY, HIDDEN BY GOVERNMENT: Twenty- three people taken to hospital in need of care after ‘water monster’ suddenly attacks.  

Yesterday at1:00 am, an attack occurred in Tara. Reporter Joy Gretel described the scene: 

A man identified as Hans Lysander (currently in the hospital) had been walking out of Tara with his niece, six-year-old, Bora. Upon reaching the middle of the city’s public square, it was within a split second later that Bora realized something was wrong with the fountain. It was bubbling. She tugged her uncle Han’s sleeve, and he turned to her just in time to avoid being hit by a tentacle that shot out of the marble. People started yelling in confusion until they gasped collectively when they saw what was happening. A large, heavy blue tentacle slowly went up and up into the sky. Tara’s security cameras filmed the 20 ft. slimy tentacle slowly rising up. Sitting beside the fountain, an old man slowly looked up to the top of the tentacle, which shot down at him immediately. People started yelling and panicking. Gretel reports that by then, she had ran out of the city square and warned the people around her to do the same, before she called the police. WacDonald’s security cameras caught the tentacles shooting down at more people, popping in and out of the fountain at surprising speed. There are fifty- three reported casualties. 

What is the government hiding?

Why? How? 

The government had actually stated tonight that they were responsible, with this twitter tweet:

This tweet was later deleted, causing news media to go crazy.

The monster is currently detained by the CBI. The government will be sending out another message soon.

Fake news reporter, Jane J., CWC West Point Grey, Vancouver

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