This page is devoted to fake news stories submitted by students after participating in the Fake News Creative Writing workshop with me online.
Dog Blows Up in Park
Yesterday afternoon a dozen random citizens experienced an explosive walk in the park. Literally.
At about 2:30 pm, Alfredo Flentic and his spouse Ceaserata Rocklin took their beloved dog Nugget for a walk in Glacster park. Nugget had been strolling up to a large tree when his leg burst into flame!
“As quick as a strike of lighting, our sweet Nugget was covered in a flames!” said the two owners.
Nugget was jumping all over but the harsh flame never went out. Then suddenly all the locals in the park heard a surprising popping sound. We all saw the dog running around but then we heard that sound and suddenly, BLECHEW!
“The dog blew up and its bones and flesh flew into our faces!” said Hanky Liver, a father of two kids that were at the park that day.
This odd incident is now being investigated by the local police and they have already found traces of TNT in the bones. The police are scheduled to give another report in the press conference next Tuesday.
Fake news reporter, Nick S., Grade 7, Tyee Elementary School, Vancouver
Child Gets Stuck in a Candy Machine
On Tuesday morning, at the intersection of Commercial and Dundas, Jonny Cook, age five, was trapped inside a candy machine. Witnesses said that the boy was grabbing the candy bar when it got stuck, and he fell inside. First Responders acted quickly, right after Jonny’s mother called them. Jonny was trapped in there for about forty-five minutes eating all the candy bars he could until he got out.
Fake news reporter, Jordon L., grade 5, Tyee Elementary, Vancouver
Teachers Become Zombies at a Local Elementary School
At Brightside Elementary, on the corner of Third and Oak, teachers were given an unmarked box of donuts. Witnesses say that the baked goods were delivered directly to the staff room to no one in particular. Since no one’s name was on the box, the teachers divided up the donuts and stuffed their bellies.
Students say that it was only around one o’clock (directly after the teachers’ lunch break) that they noticed their teachers acting “off” and “different than usual”. And by two o’clock, they knew why.
Every teacher at Brightside Elementary had collapsed, and stopped breathing. But, by the time ambulances and other first responders arrived, the teachers were back up on their feet as if nothing had happened.
The medical officers left the scene and had returned to the hospital by two forty five. “The teachers then called all students to the auditorium for a so-called last minute assembly,” sixth grader, Luke Davis explains. “We were then surrounded from all sides by drooling teachers. They grabbed students and tried to break open their skulls like they were eggs, and eat the brains inside”.
Older students fought back the teachers and called 911. Yet the police had heard about the incident earlier that afternoon, and anonymous officers admitted that they came with no sense of urgency or rush. However, police sergeant Amata Smith says, “when we finally got to the scene, we were pulled back to reality”.
The police officers called several more forces for back up, such as: SWAT teams, and several government agencies whose names remain confidential.
All teachers were restrained and are now being held in government facilities where scientists are testing for a cure, while searching for the cause of this outbreak. The donut deliverer still remains unfound, and police are searching the area.
The VPD’s commissioner Simon Potts, advises all citizens to check their mail, cut down on donuts, and keep children home. Although all teachers were caught, seven children were murdered, and over sixty injured during the ambush. Remain cautious and report anything out of the ordinary.
Fake news reporter, Emelina C., grade 7, Tyee Elementary, Vancouver
Dog Eats Chocolate Causing Worldwide Emergency
The Sanders family had their house torn apart when their dog ate a single piece of Kit Kat. The chocolate caused the dog’s head to grow and grow without stopping. The family realized they were in danger once the dog’s head busted through the walls, making a horrible sound. It continued growing until it was above the clouds.
In the year that’s followed, there is now no one on the wrecked Earth other than the dog with the massive head. Some families and adults, including the Sanders, had managed to escape by creeping out of the house and running to a rocket ship that was getting ready to go to the moon.
“The moon is the new Earth,” said the father of the Sanders clan.
The single adults got married so they could spawn children, in order to have more people to live on the moon, or what is now referred to as New Earth. But in the meantime, the dog’s head has continued to grow so big that it has now lifted the body up to the moon, finally reuniting with his family.
Just recently, the Kit Kat chocolate piece inside the dog shrank and the dog’s shrank too. The Sander’s family were optimistic that they might now return to Earth except that their dog then ate a whole Oh Henry chocolate bar.
At last report, they were considering going to Mars.
Fake news reporter, Maeve S., grade 5, Tyee Elementary, Vancouver
Man, 26, Killed by Army of Pigs
On Tuesday, April 26th, of this year, at approximately 8:46 pm, a five-year-old girl stumbled up a dead man in Trimble Park.
“I almost peed my pants when I saw the man,” the girl said, shivering.
The police first thought that the girl was lying, and assumed that she might have been the one that killed the man. But upon looking at CCTV video, they discovered that the deceased man was eating a sandwich when a large group of hungry pigs descended upon him. He attempted to run away but was squished by the pigs, which caused his death.
Inquiries have found that the pigs had earlier escaped from the Vancouver Zoo. The police are hoping that they can catch the pigs soon and cook them for their lunch.
“Don’t worry, we will find the pigs,” stated Officer Smith. “If anyone should locate this army of pigs, please contact the police immediately.”
The police have ordered a lockdown until they locate the pigs to prevent more deaths. The public is asked to stay inside, but if you should venture out, do not bring food with you.
Fake news reporter, Veronica A., CWC West Point Grey, Vancouver
High School Student Murdered by Eagle
A fifteen-year-old high school student was murdered on a very sunny, Sunday afternoon, January 1st of this year. The teen (whose name remains confidential until family has been notified) was minding his own business in a park when he happened to spot a nearby eagle. The boy reached into his backpack and took out some snacks and carefully tossed the food to it. But the eagle responded to this very kind act by sticking out its talons and flying towards the man.
“I swear I could see how sharp those talons were,” said a witness later.
Startled, the teen tried to run away. However, he was no match in speed. The eagle grabbed the boy by the neck and took off into the clouds, still holding onto him. Then, the eagle dropped him onto the ground for reasons still not understood. Sadly, this lead to his immediate death.
This eagle is now in custody and being charged for second-degree murder. If convicted, it will be sentenced to death. Police are putting up posters and signs stating that the law forbids people giving food to eagles.
Fake news reporter, Eric B., CWC West Point Grey, Vancouver
Boy Saved by Mermaid
A sixteen-year-old boy was competing in the Ocean Water Challenge yesterday. He was swimming fine until at approximately 3 pm, near Kitsilano Beach, he felt some dizziness and fainted. Sinking into the water, he was not seen at first by any rescuers who were both far away and busy at the time. One swimming competitor eventually witnessed the boy drowning. Boats tried to reach him as fast as they could. Some swimmers dived down to search but found nothing.
It wasn’t until the competition was over that the boy was discovered. His families and friends, who had waited in vain, were finally told by the police that was too late, although they would keep searching for the body. Then later, the boy’s sister came to the beach for one last effort, and that was when she saw her brother lying on the beach. Running closer, she saw a mermaid with brown hair, and a gold tail swimming away.
The boy was sent to the nearest hospital. Remarkably, he is expected to make a complete recovery after some needed rest. Now, the police are searching for the mermaid. So please, if you spot the creature close to the beach, don’t scream and call the police so they might interrogate her.
Fake news reporter, Adelle C., CWC West Point Grey, Vancouver
Boy Murdered by Cold Beverage Supplied by Mother
Last night, at 4:47 PM, a young child was tragically murdered by a glass of banana milk in his bedroom.
During his online class, his mother illegally intruded into his room and placed a glass of banana milk on the unsuspecting child’s desk. When he turned away, the glass instantly sprang up and began to insult him. A shocking video, recorded on the boy’s phone, shows him trying to fight back as the glass of banana milk attacks him over and over again.
The video goes on to show the boy swinging a baseball bat at the glass and the contents spilling everywhere. But the creature was relentless, refusing to back down. Eventually, the poor boy was left bruised and bleeding until he succumbed to his injuries. Based on subsequent questioning, it seemed nobody in his online class cared.
“I made the banana milk with the best ingredients,” his mother insisted during an interview conducted by police. “Bananas and milk. I blended them together with a blender and put it in a plastic cup. I don’t understand how such a terrible thing could have happened.”
The glass of milk has been arrested. It will soon be tried in court. Meanwhile, a short service in honour of the dead boy will be held tomorrow at an unnamed park.
Fake news reporter, Rayna N., CWC West Point Grey, Vancouver
“Cousins” of Homo Sapiens Have Been Discovered.
A new species of human, named homo tultuss, was discovered by Tomis and the I Discover Stuff team in the hot deserts of Greenland.
This specie type is described as being 2 ft, 4 inches (71 cm.) in height and covered head to toe in hair, which explains why they also carry fleas. Homo tultuss are understood to be able to use tools, including the making of fire. However they have yet to learn how to control fire.
These creatures live in groups of ten and don’t seem to have any language other than grunts and snorts. They dwell in something akin a hole but with leaves and branches stuffed inside.
Their civilization is small and contained, and they do not appear to be hostile. Scientists continue to study these “cousins” of ours, and authorities wish to stress to the general public that everything is under control, there is absolutely nothing to worry about, and that they will be posting daily content of these creatures (but not really).
Fake news reporter, Ethan W., CWC West Point Grey, Vancouver
Cereal Killer and Accomplice Captured!
Breaking news: there was a huge fight at 10:21 a.m. today, at 209 Market Avenue. Two of the suspects were injured and a 5-year-old girl, Trinity Dowling who was beloved within the community, met a tragic death.
The incident started with a bottle of milk and a box of cereal arguing as to who should go into the bowl first. They began fighting aggressively and ended up breaking a vase. Because of that sound, Ms. Dowling came into the kitchen and attempted to calm them down. When that didn’t work, she pushed the two combatants into each corner of the table and placed her head between them so that they wouldn’t be able to argue anymore. But when she tried to soothe them by singing a song, they each ran across the table and banged both sides of her head which led to massive amounts of bleeding.
After she was discovered by her parents, Ms. Dowling was immediately rushed to the hospital but ended up dead due to a serious concussion. Milk and cereal have been taken to prison and buying those two products at the same time is now banned.
Government officials are seriously debating about whether a law can be created that determines if the cereal or the milk should go into the bowl first.
Fake news reporter, Eugene P., CWC West Point Grey, Vancouver
A Vampire Discovered on West Coast Avenue
Yesterday, around 1:30 am, a local citizen, Dan Bar-el, reported that he spotted a vampire on West Coast Avenue.
Mr. Bar-el claimed he heard “some weird sounds” coming from the backyard of his house and went to check. There was a man covered in blood, holding a dead rabbit in his hands. He is described to be between 30-40 years of age, approximately 6 ft. tall, dark hair and red eyes, has really pale skin and sharp fangs. Scientists conclude that it is a vampire.
The vampire eventually did run away and has still not been captured. According to r neighbours, they have noticed an increasing number of pets that have gone missing. The local government has doubled the number of security personnel in the area and are trying their best to catch the vampire. However, there is concern that this situation will have a negative impact on society.
If you happen to see a man by that description, please contact 911 immediately.
Fake news reporter, Sulim K., CWC West Point Grey, Vancouver
EXCLUSIVE STORY, HIDDEN BY GOVERNMENT: Twenty- three people taken to hospital in need of care after ‘water monster’ suddenly attacks.
Yesterday at1:00 am, an attack occurred in Tara. Reporter Joy Gretel described the scene:
A man identified as Hans Lysander (currently in the hospital) had been walking out of Tara with his niece, six-year-old, Bora. Upon reaching the middle of the city’s public square, it was within a split second later that Bora realized something was wrong with the fountain. It was bubbling. She tugged her uncle Han’s sleeve, and he turned to her just in time to avoid being hit by a tentacle that shot out of the marble. People started yelling in confusion until they gasped collectively when they saw what was happening. A large, heavy blue tentacle slowly went up and up into the sky. Tara’s security cameras filmed the 20 ft. slimy tentacle slowly rising up. Sitting beside the fountain, an old man slowly looked up to the top of the tentacle, which shot down at him immediately. People started yelling and panicking. Gretel reports that by then, she had ran out of the city square and warned the people around her to do the same, before she called the police. WacDonald’s security cameras caught the tentacles shooting down at more people, popping in and out of the fountain at surprising speed. There are fifty- three reported casualties.
The government had actually stated tonight that they were responsible, with this twitter tweet:
The monster is currently detained by the CBI. The government will be sending out another message soon.
Fake news reporter, Jane J., CWC West Point Grey, Vancouver